Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
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I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
best first i’ve ever seen
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
*orders delivery*
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.