The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
asked my bf how work was today
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine