Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
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Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler