#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
🙅🏻
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
whatcha thinkin bout
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.