*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
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That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Me, reading some of your tweets
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
For those that worship cheese..
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.