BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
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[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
A family that plays together cheats.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
lmao