FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
You Might Also Like
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Oh. My. God.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.