What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
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“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
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[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.