The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
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3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Scream sneezers need love too.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I’m going to need a moment here.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.