I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
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Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Can’t, holding a grudge
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*