Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
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i like to flex on them by shrugging
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
CUTE CAT‼︎
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.