Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
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Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.