Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
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Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Godspeed, John Glenn
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.