Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
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Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.