WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
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The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
The 6 types of sex
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
set yourself free xox
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.