Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
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Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
work smarter, not harder
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.