Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
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All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Him: I鈥檓 sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Science can鈥檛 explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Hi you鈥檝e reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Me: [touches wife鈥檚 arm] 鈿★笍ZAP鈿★笍
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it鈥檚 ok. it鈥檚 not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you鈥檙e more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don鈥檛 do the work
One venti cheeseburger please.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
He told me I鈥檓 too competitive but I think he鈥檚 just jealous I won at that puzzle.
鈥淚T’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 馃槒
Him: We all are…
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That鈥檚 a button
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn鈥檛 realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er