[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.