Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
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You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?