I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby