People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
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Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water