i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
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Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it