I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan