1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
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It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?