Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
This forever.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*