*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
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*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
They’re on their honeymoon
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief