My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
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1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
This meeting could have been a cake