You learn something every day
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Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Haha good job!!
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious