I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.