I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
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Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
#StillHurts
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”