Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
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I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I love twitter
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
that’s really how it is
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)