Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.