SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
You Might Also Like
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Great acting.. 😂
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?