*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated