What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.