Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
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being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?