I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
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I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.