No, YOUR illiterate.
You Might Also Like
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Me, in DM rooms…
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing