If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
become ungovernable
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
got so much cardio in today
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”