How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
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Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Attacked by a mop.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief