Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
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TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
i want to work in this restaurant
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles