[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
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KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.