People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
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eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready