Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
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I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don鈥檛 understand but it sounds amazing.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it鈥檚 supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I鈥檓 a personable person
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
yeah i鈥檓 a bit of a rebel
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what鈥檚 on my mind and then pass out.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
A big shout out to my mother who can鈥檛 hear me otherwise.
It was worth a shot 馃槀
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 馃槈
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
it must be school picture day
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don鈥檛 rush me
Ozempic is impressive and all but i鈥檓 not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it鈥檚 easier to eat less. i don鈥檛 wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!