It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
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Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy