Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
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If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
My love language is hissing.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*