[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
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my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
What do you hear?
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.