I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
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My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.