Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
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She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I’m Sold!
When can I start eating bats again.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Living the best life.. 😊
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Every BBC series about the universe.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays