Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
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Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it